Plot of the Retro Bimbo Aliens, Log Alpha

Log Alpha

Am I using this thing right?  There's nowhere to type or anything, so how--

Oh.  I guess it's just reading my thoughts to take a log.  It's so weird that I'm able to understand what's on the screen at all, but I suppose any system that's able to directly interpret brainwaves is going to be able to let me read its output.  That's not really important, though.  What matters is that I'm able to record all of what happened to me in case there's anyone else who finds this.  I'm pretty sure that my personal logs are private, so I can recount exactly what happened today without fear of...her...discovering me.  When did this start, again?

Right, last night.  Yesterday, I was living a pretty normal life.  Six feet tall, sorta dirty blond hair, pale-ish skin, not in particularly good shape.  I suppose that's part of the reason they got me, though there aren't really any exercise routines that can prepare you for the sort of thing that happened to me.

You've probably heard this kind of story from someone before.  It's always as much in the middle of the night as it is in the middle of nowhere, someone who's all alone ends up seeing the absolute craziest shit you could imagine.  For me, it started with my car breaking down.  When I say break down, I don't mean that it ran out of gas or I drove it into a tree or a tire blew out.  I mean that all of the electronics on it failed at the same time.  My lights went out, the alternator died, and whatever computers run all the bits in my car just stopped working.

Looking around now, surrounded by what I can only describe as alien tech, it's really weird to think that I still have no idea how a car works.

But yeah.  Dead car.  I still had enough momentum to get on the side of the road, but it was about the same time that I realized that my car wasn't the only thing that'd lost power.  For about a quarter mile in either direction, all of the street lights were out, too.  Thinking back, that was probably because the alien ship above me had used some sort of disabling device to keep me from being able to drive away.

Oh, I forgot to mention the space ship, didn't I?  Sorry, I just kinda forgot to mention it because it's been a background piece to everything that's happened since, but I first saw it because I noticed that it wasn't completely dark even though the lights were out.  I looked up to see if it was a full moon or something, and there it was.

You've heard UFOs described before, right?  Round, silvery ships with a ring of lights around the edge?  Like a cheap effect made from a pair of paper plates sorta hovering and spinning in place?  That's pretty much what this was.  It was pretty big, though.  They don't ever tell you that in the abduction stories.  The ship had to be at least 300 yards across, which makes it really impressive how smooth and featureless the bottom is.  Well, was.  Until the bottom opened up.

The next part is pretty standard, too.  Tiny little hole opens up on the bottom of the ship, beam of light pours out, scans around the car, then pings on me.  Suddenly, my entire body locks up.  Nothing's moving.  Even my eyes are frozen forward, so all I really saw as it beamed me up was the landscape disappearing below me, all the way up until I was inside the ship.

So, my first impression of being inside an alien space ship?  Cramped.  As big as it was on the outside, there wasn't much of a welcome room inside.  Definitely not enough room for anyone else to be there, at least not from the angle I could see.  I was still frozen, remember.  All I could see was a metallic wall with rounded edges that seemed to serve only aesthetic functions.  Once I heard the opening close beneath my feet, the beam of light, which yes, did make a "woo-woo-woo-woo" noise, cut off, and I fell into a crumpled heap on the floor of the spaceship.

I banged my head pretty hard on the floor, but I didn't really react to it, as I had no control over my body.  Thankful that at least my involuntary reactions were still allowing me to breathe and blink, I just sorta waited there for something to happen.  It didn't take long, though, before my wait was over.  The wall in front of me, though I could only see it sideways because of the angle of my head, split open and a swarm of tiny jellyfish poured out towards me.

I call them jellyfish, but they're really called "Plek-nar'ka", which look like biological creatures but are in fact synthetic creatures consisting of a membrane-covered propulsion sphere and numerous tendrils.  The tendrils can be used to secure and transport any number of things, but in this case the thing in question was me.  With one attached to each limb, they pulled me into a relatively upright position and dragged me like a marionette into the room they had emerged from.

This room was quite a bit bigger than the first one, maybe 40 feet across and 15 feet wide, with a bank of arcane-looking machinery on the right side and a series of transparent tubes on the left.  Each tube had a sort of stand in the middle, with mechanical clamps positioned at the arms and waist and a tangle of cords and screens nestled into a compartment at the top.  I didn't get that good a look at it because the jellyfish things turned my back towards the tube then pushed me into one.  I'd thought at first that they were glass, but as my body was pushed through them they warped aside with a fuzzy hum, leading me to think that they were in fact force shields.

Anyone from Earth knows exactly what I was expecting at this point.  Probes of the less-than-subtle variety.  Creepy, giant-eyed bug monsters poking me with scalpels.  Lights that make it hard to tell exactly what's going on.  That's what I'd prepared myself for.  What I never expected, though, was a gentle, feminine human voice.  And yet, emanating from the top of the tube...

"Greetings, human oppressor.  We have a lovely lineup prepared for you today, so please remain calm and comfortable as we begin the procedure."

That was a little weird.  I sure don't remember oppressing anyone.  Also, was it just talking to me in English?  I mean, I suppose they've been here enough times to learn the language, but--

I didn't get to finish that thought because what I heard next just completely destroyed my ability to focus.

It was applause.

Not even genuine applause.  Fakey, low-fidelity applause, like you'd hear on an old game show.  I'd have rolled my eyes, if I was able to move them at all.  Through the applause, music began to play.  I'd heard at some point that humans had sent a record into space with some classical music.  The works of the musical masters.  That wasn't what I got.  What I got was a heavily synthesized tune that, while catchy enough--I still end up finding myself humming it when I'm bored--sounded heavily dated and easily manufactured.  As it ended its cutesy crescendo, a screen rolled down directly in front of my eyes, forcing me to watch what was being shown.  On the screen, framed by more alien-looking wires, the image was oddly familiar.  A family room, decorated in simple inoffensive styles, with a soft beige color to the walls and hardwood floors.  It was furnished with a couch pointed most of the way toward the camera, a bookshelf, a fireplace, and a robot.

The robot was probably the most important thing in the room, as once the stage lights from where the ceiling should have been flickered on the camera turned to face the android.  It looked kinda human, definitely female, with a sort of 50s mom aesthetic.  She wore an apron over a simple dress and had on high heels and a pair of oven mitts.  While she didn't quite have hair, she had a metal coif that was designed to look like a long bob cut held in place with a red band that was at the top of her head.  Her face was shiny and flat, but with the lights activated tiny lights activated all along the front of her face, giving the impression of a texture that resembled a smiling face.  The lack of shape to go along with the image was disconcerting, amplified even moreso by the insincerity of her smile.  She spoke with a clear and friendly tone, which again just served to creep me out.  Once again, there was applause, which calmed down just in time for her to start speaking.

"Hi, sweetie!  I'm Molly-0029 and I'll be your personal guide through the wonderful procedure we have planned for you!  We do apologize for the inconvenience of you being paralyzed, but please understand that, in the past, participants in our CCC program have damaged either themselves or valuable equipment by attempting to escape!  'That makes such perfect sense, Molly,' I hear you ask, 'But what exactly is the CCC program and how can I assist in it to the greatest potential?'  I'm glad that you asked, I say rhetorically, because as we are both aware, you're completely unable to move."

The background noise restarted, this time with polite laughter from an unseen audience.  Pulling a tiny ring from the top of the screen, the robot pulled down a projection screen, and holographic images leapt from it almost immediately.  Stills from television shows appeared, husbands and wives arguing, children getting into trouble, annoying neighbors coming over to ask for help with their next scheme, all dancing amongst themselves on the screen.  I was able to recognize a few of them, though I was never huge on old shows like that, I could at least tell that they were all sitcoms.

"We are the Gynarians.  For years, your kind has taught us much.  Our people, evolved though they may be, have acquired all of their technology through reverse-engineering technology left behind by other alien races.  From these precursors, we learned the wonders of spaceflight, the cures to diseases, and the secrets of science and mathematics.  But from you, our nearest neighbor, we have been given the incredible gift of culture.  Every day, the Humans of Earth send out instructions, teaching us morality, appreciation of ourselves and others, and the meaning of endeavor.  For all this, you seem to ask nothing in return, but we are a gracious people.  We know that, culturally advanced as your species is, you are not without problems of your own.  Primary among them, obviously, is men."

I kinda expected some elaboration from the robot, but all I could really get was from paying attention to the holographic images that had been paired with it.  All of them from the last ten minutes of a sitcom, where a wife scolds her husband for whatever he had done that week and him resolving to do better.  If that was where they got their idea of what humans were like, she kinda had a point.  Even so, being male myself, I wanted to object.  Pity I was still paralyzed.  Besides, the audience track butted in with a series of loud and prolonged boos.  Apparently I was in the minority here.

"That is where our CCC program comes in!  Step one, Convert!  That's what's about to happen to you!  With the help of our incredibly advanced technology, you'll become a Gynarian officer, able to carry out orders with incredible efficiency!  According to our records, you will be the -first- convert for your ship, which means that your capture was fully autonomous and that your personality will be rewritten into a leadership role!  How lucky for you!"

On cue, cheering erupted from the backing track, almost identical to the applause but with more whistling and the occasional "woo!".

"Step two is Conspire!  From the secrecy of your cloaked high-orbit ship, it will be your duty to staff your ship!  We understand that this won't always be an easy task, but we do insist on a minimum of one new recruit per week!  Using the same process that is going to convert you, you will be able to convert other human males into your teammates!  However, it is of utmost importance that you do so without being discovered!  Were the human military to mobilize against us, they might be able to prevent our third stage!  However, we believe in you!"

The audience track remained silent, save a single "Yeah!" that echoed slightly from a faraway simulated bleacher.

"Step three, of course, is Conquer!  Once we have enough battle groups readied to begin the invasion, the bulk of our fleet will be called in to assist and it will be a simple matter for us to neutralize all of the planet's strategic resources and then dismantle the patriarchy that cruelly grips your people.  You will, of course, be given a prominent credit after this has all been accomplished."

The applause started back up, but for obvious reasons, I wasn't feeling much like joining in.  Even though I wasn't really able to focus on anything else, I had trouble taking it all in.  Just the fact that there were aliens out there was difficult enough to parse, but I was going to be transformed into one of them and help them with their plans?  That they would brainwash me into following their orders?  That was too much for me to take.  It was the last straw.  Mustering up every last ounce of willpower I possessed, I mentally strained harder than I ever had before to break out of the paralysis and escape.  Pushing with all of my might, I focused it all on pulling free of the restraints I had been set in, and miraculously...

...I twitched my right ear slightly.  Which was weird, because I had never been able to do that before.  Unfortunately, it did pretty much nothing to help me escape my current predicament.

"We appreciate your patience, and hope that you will tune back in next week to watch episode two, where we'll convert one lucky guest into your assistant!  If you would like a transcript of this episode, please have that assistant transfer it into your personal accounts!  Until next time, this is Molly-0029, reminding everyone to drink your milk every day, invest in whole life insurance, and always order your new products direct from the source!"

With that, the screen slowly retracted back into the top of the tube to the sound of more canned applause as new machines around my head whirred to life, lights shining all around me.  Wires lowered strange injectors, scanners, and spray nozzles to various heights, all of them pointed right at me.

Then, the process began.